Guy has ball torn off by angry seagull
We all know seagulls are cheeky cunts, but I didn't realise they liked to maim people. One poor bloke from Ipswich was just trying to catch some rays by sunbathing naked in his garden when all of a sudden an evil seagull swoops down and tears his bollock off while he was having a snooze.
After being woken up such a horrific way, the guy was rushed to hospital, where doctors released a statement:
Nobody could quite believe it when the poor chap was brought in. There was a lot of blood and he was in agony, but he will feel better in a few weeks.
The injury is not life threatening, and tests have confirmed that his remaining testicle is still in working order, so he will be able to have children.
It's cool that he can still have kids but I'd be pretty pissed about being left with only one ball. A spokesman for the research group Seagull Watch International explained why this might have happened:
Eggs are full of protein – it’s why we eat them, after all. Gulls will often steal other birds’ eggs, so it is unfortunate for this man that his private parts resembled a couple of eggs in a nest.
It was no doubt a young adult gull that is still learning to be independent.
This is the first time we have heard of such an attack in the UK, and it is probably a one-off event, but just in case this particular seagull has now got a taste for ‘men’s eggs’, we would recommend putting some shorts on while sunbathing at home.
Ouch! The guy should've just kept his shorts on like the rest of us. Come to think of it, why the fuck did he feel the need to be totally starkers anyway? The previous owner of my house used to sunbathe naked in the garden too and all the neighbours used to watch her from the window. She was neither young nor hot so it can't have been a pretty sight - Just some saggy hag with her muff out. I bet the guy will forever kick himself that he didn't wear shorts that day. Still, at least he's got a funny story to tell the kids.
